Revised version
We thought we are at peace But there's a war going on. Rakshasas permeated the chakras Of millions of seekers.
The First Amendment protects pornographers The Second sanctions weekly slaughter in our schools. Who will protect the innocence of our children? Who will ensure they’re secure in our schools?
What would the Founding Fathers make of the US today? Adam Smith said wealth was to be created to be shared. A quarter of our children are raised in poverty While the rich get richer year by year.
And what about the religious right? Jesus was born in a stable He said, Blessed are the poor for theirs is the Kingdom of God Go figure you preachers with millions in your bank accounts.
We thought we are at peace But there's a war going on.
Original version
We think we are a peace But there's a war going on. They’d got into the chakras of the uninformed Seeking to extend their spiritual influence By proselytizing to the morally destitute.
The First Amendment protects the rights of pornographers The Second presides over the weekly slaughter of children in our schools. Who will protect the innocence of our children? Their right to feel safe and protected in their schools?
What would the Founding Fathers make of the USA today? Adam Smith said wealth was to be created to be shared. A quarter of our children are raised in poverty While the rich get richer year by year.
And what about the religious right? Jesus was born in a stable He said, Blessed are the poor for theirs is the Kingdom of God Go figure you preachers with millions in your bank accounts.
Here are a few quibbles -
maybe ‘They’ instead of ’they’d’
which leads to the question of who is being addressed - i guess it is the reader at this point… not the 'religious right' or the 'millionaire preachers’ -you could otherwise start right in on them and not try to engage us as readers, by asking in the first verse “who has got into the chakras "etc.
at this stage of the poem
‘proselytizing’ jars me a bit but but ‘preaching’ is not quite right …'recruit, foster’
You might consider “-protects pornographers” and omit 'the rights of’'
possibly - The Second sanctions weekly slaughter in our schools 'Who wil protect ' - is really strong and worth repeating in the next line if you can (who will ensure …secure ... ? ) Sometimes it is good to weed out any ‘the’ you do not need. Of course all of the above may not be the tone you want - but ‘go figure you preachers …’ sounds like a challenge so I took that as the cue.
Alan, I think this could be a poem if you replaced some phrases with a single word and tightened the rhythms ... maybe find some pithier words?
Song lyrics are something I cannot weigh unless I hear them sung. But the anger I understand- and who better to express anger at the sinkhole of America than someone born in the time of the last big war and in a community so torn by violence that their late great poet, Seamus Heaney, wrote: "Whatever You Say, Say Nothing" to illustrate the complexity.
Some people may wonder why as Sahaja Yogis we express anger. The extent of our anger may be relative to our generation, perhaps. But anger is what motivated me to write: "After The Fire," although that took many months - maybe a year or two to reach a passable state.
Some of the most memorable writing and art has come from anger. Dante is a fine example - by using tight rhythm he maintained his expressive vitriiol for hundreds of pages. Think of Blake who invoked the anger of heaven at the sight of a songbird in a cage; Picasso's 'Guernica' painting; Goya's 'Chronos Devouring His Children' or Martin Luther King's response to people who urged him to wait for change, in his letter from the Birmingham Jail (which has one of the longest sentences you could imagine) or the painful beauty of the protest songs such as Billy Holiday's version of "Strange Fruit"...
We have the duty, as witnesses of this World, to speak up.
Here is a nice sample of Dante:
"... what blocks
The flow is just that: my soft childish tongue.
It is with fear that I begin to speak,
Because the language we employ when young
To call our mother "mummy" is too weak
To use, even in sport, when touching on
The lowest level of the universe."
-Canto 32
tr. Clive James
Richard said, 'This is definitely a song, a protest song with an angry guitar and wailing harmonica. As I started reading, I thought of Leonard Cohen: “There is a war between those who say there is a war and those who say there isn’t.'